How to Talk to Your Kids About School in Meaningful Ways

Every parent has experienced it. The anticipation of catching up with your child after a long week, the mental planning of questions to keep dialogue going. You begin the conversation with an easy ask, hoping to grease the wheels for a long discussion: “How was school today?” 

One second later, your plans are obliterated with a single word: “Fine.”

Getting kids to open up about their school day — academically, developmentally and emotionally — can often be a challenge. Yet it’s a challenge worth pursuing. Starting conversations with your kids now can build communication skills, encourage emotional development and help them succeed at school. 

Luckily for us parents, there are tried-and-true conversation starters and questions to ask kids that can get them to relax, have fun and share their lives with us. 

Why It’s Important to Connect Through Conversation

According to the University of Missouri’s MU Extension, children whose families spend time talking about emotions:

• Find more academic success
• Build stronger friendships
• Handle difficult social situations more effectively

Without conversations about your child’s school, activities and friends, many important details – both positive and negative – can fall through the cracks.

What’s more, without conversations about your child’s school, activities and friends, many important details — both positive and negative — can fall through the cracks.

“If parents aren’t engaged, they can miss opportunities to support their kids in overcoming challenges and engage in important perspectives,” says Mawi Asgedom, founder of a social-emotional learning curriculum and author of the My Inner Heroes book series for kids.

“There could be skill deficiencies you don’t know about, or you could miss out on celebrating your child’s wins with them,” he adds.

When Conversation Helps You Dig Deeper

An especially important time to persist in connecting with your children is if they’re consistently irritable or don’t want to go to school. 

“It’s good to have your ‘Spidey-sense’ turned on,” Asgedom says. “Trust your instinct if something seems off.”

For example: Asking your elementary schooler about recess could lead your child to make a comment like, “My best friend said we’re not friends anymore.”

“This issue is very common in childhood, but it still feels vicious,” Asgedom says. He recommends digging deeper into these emotionally loaded comments, even if they’re made offhand. You can engage in simple role play to teach your child how to respond with something like, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll play with someone else today.

“This teaches children agency and reassures them that when negative things happen, they can carry on,” Asgedom says. 

However, if negative feelings persist or if the same issue happens repeatedly, it’s time to investigate further with educators, other parents or a professional.

How to Have Conversations with Kids of All Ages

There’s no one-size-fits-all way to start quality conversations with kids. But there are effective tips that can help encourage your preschooler to use their words and discourage your tween from giving you the dreaded eye roll.

Preschool-Aged Kids

Engaging preschoolers in conversation often happens in conjunction with other kinds of activities. Instead of forcing a q-and-a session with a squirming 4-year-old, meet your child where they are, and connect on their terms. 

• Get on the floor with your child and play. “As you engage together, preschoolers often will volunteer tidbits such as, ‘I don’t like it when we go outside’ or ‘This kid isn’t nice to me,’” Asgedom says.
• Ask your child about specific activities based on newsletters or photos from your child’s preschool. 
• Connect with your child’s teachers to ask about challenges, learning gaps or other concerns. “At this age, preschoolers might not have the language to communicate these things to you,” Asgedom says. 

Elementary-Aged Kids

Elementary school is a time of tremendous growth for children, so your approach to school questions may need to change over time. While younger kids are often willing to share their feelings, older students may be wary of anything that seems too intrusive or “cheesy.”

• Ask younger elementary children direct questions about their day. 

  This age group tends to be less skeptical than older elementary students.

  What was your favorite part of your day?

  Who did you sit next to? 

• Engage older elementary kids in a weekly game of fill-in-the-blank.

  “If your kid says lunch is ‘terrible’ and they haven’t eaten for three days, that’s an important piece of information you might not otherwise get,” Asgedom says.

  The most surprising thing that happened today was …. 

  If I could change one thing about lunch it would be …. 

• Keep it relatable. 

  Steer clear of clinical jargon and talk about concerns in the context of your child’s life.

  Instead of asking Do you feel stressed? try, I know your stomach hurts when you’re nervous about your soccer game. Does anything else make your stomach hurt?

Tweens and Up

Tweens crave independence, so it’s important to not appear meddlesome or judgmental in conversation about school or anything else.

• Ask questions with imagination or humor.

  Have fun with your child while also getting a view into their experiences.

  What’s the coolest thing you learned today?

  What would you do if you were in charge of school? 

• Connect over things that are interesting to your kids, such as clubs, sports or faith-based activities.

  “You’ll help broaden their independence in a safe way and suss out good opportunities for them at the same time,” Asgedom says.

  What activities do your friends do? 

  Which ones do you want to do?

• Ask about both positive and negative experiences. 

  You’ll normalize errors, minimize shame and model growth mindset.

  Who were you proud of today?

  What mistake did you learn from?

Tips for Keeping the Conversation Going

While it’s a good idea to have questions on hand to spark conversations with kids, there are other things you can do to encourage your child to approach you on their own.

• Show you’re interested in what your child has to say by giving them your full attention during conversations, by not interrupting and by asking follow-up questions.
• Share details from your own day, showing your child that you can open up to them, too.
• Validate your child’s feelings before moving on to problem-solving mode (or table problem-solving until later, if your child simply wants to be heard)
• Control your own emotions and keep a neutral expression to avoid misunderstandings about your feelings and reactions.

“When everyone at the table discusses a problem, you can more easily take things from vague platitudes to meaningful conversations.” – Mawi Asgedom

A final idea to consider is having conversations in a family setting, say, around the dinner table. Your fourth grader might have important context about a problem your first grader is experiencing. And your child might receive feedback more willingly from a peer than from a parent. 

“When everyone at the table discusses a problem, you can more easily take things from vague platitudes to meaningful conversations,” Asgedom says. “There’s lots of research that talks about how powerful it is when kids interact and learn from one another.”